At my birthday dinner a friend asked me what I was leaning into in this next chapter of life. What uttered from my mouth, to the table's and my own surprise, was the word "failure". I explained that I want to lean into failure and not give it the power to stunt my growth. Not failing, but rather the fear of it has been a driving force of many things that go up against who and what God has called me to be. Maybe if I make it a practice to do things anyway - or as prompted by the question to "lean in" - knowing that failure could be a result, I can attain insurmountable wins and views unimagined due to the mental energy I previously geared towards the thought, "but what if I fail?". I am a recovering perfectionist and this shift in thinking is not only uncomfortable, but also terrifying and liberating at the same time.  Here are my reflective thoughts on shifting from fear to FREEDOM.

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The Bible states to "fear not" 365 times...

Could it be that God knew someone like me would battle with anxiety and forsake the power of peace that surpasses all understanding?

Did he know I’d brew over an interaction over and over again, beating myself up in a way that neglects the Grace freely given to me?

Covering and drowning me in love, he is the air that he created me to need...

He is the life breathed into me from the dust that created Eve

His fingertips graced the womb of my mother where he placed my story to unfold in the darkness.

Might I be a child of the most high God? 

Someone who can boldly approach God’s throne to ask anything in Jesus’ name?

Might it be that my purpose isn’t a thing to be defined by but a picture to be filled in?

That my mistakes, failures, and inadequacies give depth to the beauty of it all?

Is fear of failing about me or about my belief of who God is?

I have freedom… it’s up to me to walk in it... not alone, but led by the hand of my Savior, guided by the whisper of the Holy Spirit, carried by God’s righteous hand, loved by the stronghold of the three in one, locked in a hug that I can fully release and relax myself into.

Able to show up authentically and hear them say that everything will be okay... as it’s been in the past, as they’ve said it would be in the past. 

What am I afraid of? I am free. 

 

I don't take it lightly that I'm able to wake up and see my 26th birthday. This past year, I believe we as a collective have been reminded that life is short and can be taken away in the blink of an eye. We've lost loved-ones, been unable to gather in ways we have in the past, and are still dealing with an ever-evolving  pandemic. 

Though I couldn't have predicted these events this time last year as I gathered to celebrate with my close friends, I'm glad I did choose to celebrate. I often find myself shying away from what I consider to be "doing too much," however, I've come to learn that I am worthy of unapologetically celebrating life. And while watching one of my favorite YouTubers and artists, Joseph Solomon, a phrase he said stuck out to me. He mentioned that oftentimes, we shy away from "being vulnerable with our joy."  God has been doing so much in my life, seen and unseen, that it's unfathomable to think I sometimes shrink and avoid taking up space to display the corresponding joy and gratitude. 

Today, I choose to let myself marinate in and fully experience the joy of being alive. Having made it through this past year surviving my case of COVID-19, being employed and afforded the opportunity to work from home, having a tribe of iron-sharpening friends (even if we could only gather virtually), and experiencing numerous mental breakthroughs, I am truly grateful. Here's to choosing to bask in joy, not just on our birthdays or special occasions that seem fitting to do so, but also in the mundane day-to-day experiences, small victories, and each inhale and exhale we have the privilege of taking. We're alive because there's more.

Alexa, play "I'm Alive" by Rich Tolbert Jr.

XOXO

-Michelle